On
this episode of the Diary of a Lagos Bachelor, OSAYIMWEN OSAHON GEORGE beams
his searchlight on the dark sides of lonely men living in the financial
epicentre of Nigeria.
Passing through the mini-market at the Century area
of Ago Palace Way, Okota/Isolo, Lagos State on a Saturday morning; Samuel
Chekube’s eyes were travelling up and down the numerous small shades of food materials like
he was about to steal something.
Samuel, a young man in his mid- thirties
wasn’t focused on his shopping list. He was distracted by the massive backsides
paraded by the majority of the light-skinned Igbo women and few Yoruba ladies
thronging the market place for business.
According to the picture painted by him, some bums
were so gigantic that you would think the carrier needs help. You would wonder
how the lover of the woman copes with the management of such natural assets at
night after the hustling and bustling associated with Lagos.
“This
is why the mortality rate among men is high here (Lagos), after facing so much
stress at work, they put up with stress again in the other room and some of
these women have high libidos” he said to himself
teasingly.
Sighting-seeing for randy men is the only positive
thing about the mini-market where prices of goods are selfishly tampered with
by sellers without due consideration of the harsh economic realities on ground.
It’s always like a contest of buttocks on weekends with some bums vibrating in
such a way that your phone network could be interrupted. Samuel described
something close to the popular Miss Bumbum contest annually organized in
Brazil.
“The
bums send disrupting signals to the brains and other devices. I am talking
about the kind of interference that could make your movie download of a 400mb
file on Toxicwap fail at 99%” Samuel joked while
narrating his experience to this reporter.
His head was filled with raunchy imaginations as he
bought some vegetables, cow meat and other ingredients for his Egusi soup. The
lanky and innocent-looking man had recklessly slept with over 15 women in the
market without protection in his mind. The power of imagination could be real
but ‘if wishes were horses, beggars will ride’.
Samuel knew he was in trouble; he has been cursed
with a manhood that is as recalcitrant as the missing leader of the Indigenous
People of Biafra, Nnamdi Kanu. A protest of Palestinian standard began between
his legs as ‘Mr. John Thomas’ begged for appeasement with one of the curvy
women he fantasized about at the market place. Before he knew it, there was a
bulge between his legs and he had to make a quick adjustment to his walking
steps to avoid attracting undue attention from impatient customers competing
for the right of way.
When Samuel retired to his two-bedroomed apartment
which was walkable to the market, he felt he was on fire. A state of emergency
needed to be declared around his waist region. The memories of his past fun
moments with ladies started playing back alongside his fresh experience with
the ladies at the market place. He tried to take a nap but his manhood took a
military position like Nigerians soldiers guarding the Internally Displaced
People’s camps in Borno State, north-eastern part of Nigeria.
He grabbed his mobile phone and dialed the numbers
of some ‘freelancers’ who do home deliveries. For novices, freelancers can be
respectfully called pleasure workers or ‘substitutes not prostitutes’ who offer
s*xual services to nearby clients on a part time note. They have normal lives
as well as serious boyfriends but mostly sell their bodies to cater for
immediate needs like shoes, clothes, make-up materials, social events and
mostly smartphones. A couple of numbers he had failed and a few who picked were
probably engaged with other guys.
He desperately logged into to Insta Messenger on his
Android phone to fish for a new girl. Insta Messenger showed him some of the
ladies around his place at Ago Palace Way and he started messaging them but the
response rate was slow. As he paced all around in house in exasperation like
someone who swallowed a mortar, he later got a notification on his phone about
a message on the application. He checked and read a response from one Blessing,
a light-skinned full-figured lady of average height who was heavily endowed on
both sides. She displayed a picture of her humongous bum on her profile to
attract interested men and it worked like Merlin’s magic.
The chat went thus:
Samuel: Hi
Blessing: Hi
Samuel: Where are you?
Blessing: Okota, Lagos
Samuel: You do hook ups?
Blessing: Yes
Samuel: Can we meet?
Blessing: Yes, where do you stay?
Samuel: Ago Palace Way.
Blessing: Short time or overnight?
Samuel: Short time.
Blessing demanded a whooping sum of N15,000 for just
two quick rounds of s*x. Samuel, a salary earner knew that would be disastrous
to his slim bank account as the Yuletide had just ended and the month of
January was expected to be a long one. He tried negotiating with her but
Blessing settled for N8,000 which was higher than the general N5,000 charged by
her colleagues for such dalliance.
During the course of the negotiation, Blessing
flared up claiming she doesn’t hustle on a full time note. A narrative told by
girls of her class to attract respect from prospective clients. Blessing pulled
the plug on the deal and it was over. Samuel’s manhood which had since won
independence since 1960 admonished him to meet her price but he wouldn’t dare
as he expended much of his monthly salary during the Christmas and New Year
celebrations.
That night’s sleep was rough for Samuel, his
testosterone kept erupting and causing him hallucinations. It was his manhood
that woke him up on a Sunday morning as early as 6am. The early morning
erection couldn’t be quenched by urination. It was firm and fierce after he
used the rest room. He went on Insta Messenger again for any feedback and he
got a message from Blessing and other ladies.
Blessing’s message was; “Ok...do you want it now?” indicating a U-turn from her. He swiftly
replied; ‘Yes’. She dropped her number and Samuel rang her. She asked if he was
staying alone and she got the directions to his house.
Samuel’s temperature increased immediately the deal
was sealed. Blessing was on her way and his heart was filled with guilt. He asked
himself why he couldn’t keep the Sabbath Day holy as Christianity projects.
Blessing kept giving an update on her movements as she got into a tricycle and
later a motorcycle to convey her directly to his house. It was obvious Blessing
was coming from a possible overnight orgy and wanted Samuel’s money to
complement her pocket.
Samuel searched for her phone number on Facebook and
was able to discover her profile. She was seen in her normal self. She
qualified for a young ‘Slay Queen’ with about 4,993 friends on Facebook with 1,896
followers as at press time. She entertained them with not-too-sultry photos but
suggestive postures that were alluring.
“She
looked so young, maybe 19 years of age. I wonder where she got that level of
bravery to serve horny men in Lagos from house to house. I mean she looked like
a normal girl who was excited about attaining puberty”
Samuel told this reporter.
Samuel later read that she is a student of a
university in the Niger Delta region (name withheld) where she studies Theatre
Arts. As he looked through her numerous pictures, he noticed she was at place
that looked like a club house the previous evening. Her pictures were indeed enchanting
and he fantasized about s*x with her as he impatiently waited with an erection
just as if his manhood had eyes to admire the pictures.
Samuel’s phone soon rang and it was Blessing, she
was already at the gate. Samuel’s had a couple of neighbours who crowded the
compound that morning. A man of Igbo extraction had a thanksgiving programme to
sponsor at a nearby Catholic Church that Sunday morning, so his wife was doing
some cooking within the compound while other women supported. It was a
difficult time to ‘smuggle’ a girl into the house. Samuel hated being seen with
freelancers. He believes no matter how decently they tend to dress, smart men
always decode their real identities.
“It’s
very easy to know a girl that sells if you are in the know. From tattoos to leg
chains, indiscriminate chewing of gum, revealing clothes, tinted hairs, weird
eye-lashes etc.... It’s like they have identity cards invisible to them. A
he-goat can never hide its custom odour when it passes by”
he explained amidst laughter.
Samuel happens to be a very secretive guy and a loner.
He dashed out of his flat to pick Blessing, he exchanged pleasantries with his
neighbours as he approached the gate. He soon saw Blessing approaching in a red
and skin-tight gown seated on a commercial motorcycle. She was indeed heavy-chested
with a bum that could be termed a truck. The Hausa gateman gazed at her and
Samuel intermittently as if he was expressing desires about what he saw.
Samuel tried to create a distance between him and
Blessing as he led her to the ‘slaughterhouse’. There was a pin-drop silence as
neighbours saw Blessing. An elderly neighbour who was married forgot to return
his greetings as he had his eyes glued to her.
Samuel wasted no time as he led Blessing to his
room. He transferred the money to her before service via his bank application.
She was keen on seeing the alert before service while Samuel was already Unclad
with his manhood erect like the AK-47 paraded by killer Fulani herdsmen.
“This
is big oh. What is thus? Nawa oh” Blessing said in
astonishment as she gazed at his manhood. She pulled off her clothes completely
and it was as if the size of the bum doubled. She had a waist bead which
complemented her tender skin. Samuel took on her from behind as she mounted the
bed.
“When
I saw the bum facing me as I rammed into her, I knew I am going to miss heaven.
I was feeling like Aliko Dangote I swear. She was just screaming as I targeted
her womb...see these yeye girls need to know money is not easy. They want to be
paid for enjoying themselves. As she dey move to ease the pain, na so I dey
follow am up and down for bed mehn. I gast finally pin am down make she nor run
till I finish” Samuel narrated as he unsettled the
reporter with erotic details.
After reaching climax, the scale fell off the eyes
of Samuel as Blessing lay naked on his bed with an electric fan blowing her
speedily. He remembered his girlfriend who was out of town and his heart broke.
He felt empty deeply but according to him, his manhood was very grateful for such
a pleasurable treat.
“I
am leaving Lagos next week. My school has resumed and I will be travelling
back” Blessing said after initially claiming her name was
Sandra. Samuel immediately felt pity for her boyfriend who might never know her
dark secrets. As they waited for the second round as agreed, she was already
fixing another appointment with another client who was impatient about his
package. Her innocent looks betrayed her actions as she appeared like someone
who wouldn’t finish a bottle of Coke.
Samuel mounted her again the missionary way and she
dashed into the bathroom after, cleaned up like nothing ever happened and put
on her clothes. Her phone rang again, it was the impatient client going by the
nature of their conversation.
“Are
you at the hotel premises? I will be on my way now. It’s just a matter of
minutes.” She wagged her round hips and headed for the door.
Unto the next one!
“I
need to go for a rehabilitation oh....I will need someone like T.B Joshua to
lay hands on me or maybe I should be taken to a Celestial Church where they can
flog some 52 demons out of me like Pastor Humble promised Daddy Freeze” Samuel
joked.
“On
a more serious note, loneliness causes me to misbehave as a bachelor. Life in
Lagos is lonely. Friendship is calculated along economic lines. People only
visit you when they have something to gain. I need a fresh pastime.”
He continued.
Samuel is hoping to get married this year, 2018 to
curtail his excesses. He convincingly believes that the step would trigger a
revival in his life.
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