Facebook can be safely termed as one of the most popular and
biggest social media platforms in the world today. Virtually everyone has an
account on it. After a concentrated research on the characters of people on
Facebook which is being placed side by side with their normal day to day
behaviours, you will observe cases of a sharp contrast. Simply put, a lot of
people have been living double lives. This hypocritical trend has caught the
attention of the Village Town Crier and I have categorized them into different
groups which are enumerated and explained below:
(1) The stark hypocrites:
This class is filled with highly deceitful people who are
like ''old chameleons''. They have the ability to switch to any mode they desire
to. All they do is post about God and make inspirational quotes. Their wall
looks dry with no real life occurrences. They give you the impression that they
are busy while they stay close to their Facebook account like a company's
social media manager. Don't be swayed by what you see, they are the types that
will give thanks to God even after a sex romp when they are not legally
married.
(2) The 'waist' marketers:
Ladies in this class are very strict. They have no time to
waste because the queue is very long. They will never type in details. Even if
you send them a textbook-size message, they will either reply with a smiley or
''ok'' word. The chat only gets intense when it is financial. They judge people
by the locations they snap pictures from, the gadgets/devices they use in
uploading Facebook pictures, the cars, the house and the quality of friends as
contained in your photo albums. You don't discuss love with such people. They
only language of love they understand is when their palms are greased with that
THING politicians kill for in Nigeria.
(3) The horny ladies:
These ones are terrible. They are so uncultured with their
posts. They bend every statement or article to something sexual. Any slight
change in the weather condition affects them. Even when the rain is just
drizzling, they will find a way to Facebook to update ''weather for two''. This
should be the best moment to hit the farm for agricultural purposes but these
ones engage in strictly indoor games with men whose energy is needed on the
field to boost food production in Nigeria. 90% of their posts strictly contain
adult contents which they flood their pages with shamelessly for attention
purposes. The irony behind dealing with ladies of their kind is that they are
only good with words, they are sexually empty inside.
(4) The 'coded' class:
This class of girl is not easily noticeable. They are just
like normal people on Facebook that are neither here nor there. They are so
boring and always have no much issue to discuss. They are like the 'baby
snakes' with the most poisonous venom compared to the adult ones. They are very
self-cautious and protect their names like they are recognized people in the
society. They may be on your page for a whole year without them liking a post
or picture on your wall but your entire activities are in their heads. If you
are bold enough to hook them up through a private message and endure their
dryness, you will bountifully from the good of the land. They don't dress to
impress, they are just normal and appear cheap fashion-wise. They are mostly
introverts. They appear shy at first with one faint but constant smile on their
innocent faces. They will never give you convincing details about their sex
lives. When they encounter most strategic questions they reply with 'hmmm'
which could be frustrating most times. They are the kind of ladies that offer
ALL the sexual facilities behind closed doors. They are 'innocently' bad. They
are fashioned to catch unsuspecting guys unaware.
(5) The beggars:
These ones are the online beggars soliciting for alms with
swagger in the form of recharge cards. Their internet subscription is always
set to expire the very day you message them. The funniest part is that most of
them operate fake profiles. They are males posing as females in order to
exploit unsuspecting guys looking for cheap ladies on Facebook. Most of them
always operate fresh Facebook accounts with no history. They disable wall posts
so that aggrieved victims wouldn't expose them. The account comes with only ONE
unreal profile picture and maybe some other cartoon images. Some of them will
tell you to send money as recharge cards to fund their visit to our place. Even
if you give them an address in Sambisa forest beside Abubakar Shekau's hut,
they will still volunteer to come so far you are ready to pay. The truth is
they will only come in your imaginations or dreams.
(6) The continental liars:
I will rather forgive the devil rather than wish he meets a
girl from this category. These ones go as far as lying to themselves.
Perpetually, their entire lives are a beautiful lie. Even their pictures lie.
They will never snap in their house environment even if you put a gun to their
heads due to the impoverished status of it. They only snap when randy men take
them out to eat at special locations. Consequently, they flood Facebook with
such pictures to make people believe that is how they live. Their pictures are
always doctored. They have several picture editing applications on their Smartphones.
Each picture passes through one application or the other till it finds its way
to Facebook. Some of them who are very 'brief' in stature, they forbid full length
pictures. All they do is take headshots. Meeting them at the bustop with high
expectations may lead to a public shedding of tears or gnashing of teeth
especially when your money had been far spent to build a connection. This class
of ladies are heartless with deceit, they could post ''Flight things" #En
route Abuja while they are at Mowe Ibafo fearlessly confronting an Okada man over
a N20 note dispute. On the other hand, she is that cream Facebook girl that
will never post in Pidgin English or talks about Nigerian songs. That's the
irony of life.
(7) The motivational speakers:
The ones are in a world of theirs. They have created an
imaginary mansion for themselves and they are happily living inside. 99% of
their posts are to inspire people. They copy popular posts from top authors or
individuals and share on their Facebook walls. The truth is that most of them
are not even inspired. They can't even practice what they preach. What they
share are just mere words they can hardly subscribe to even if it will only
cost a Naira.
(8) The E-commerce ladies:
These ones have turned our dear Facebook into a market place.
They know the right spots to rent shops and start their businesses but they
will never do so. All they want is the cheapest publicity. They storm Facebook
with constant irritating messages of bags, shoes and clothes they quietly
bought at Yaba market of a second-hand grade called ''Okrika''. They brand
these goods and hype them online with queen’s English. The most annoying
behaviour common among them is that they could tag a man to a ladies' handbag
along with a large group of people. This will attract heavy comments with
incessant notifications. I am not interested in doing a Denrele or a CharlyBoy
now. If they were that good at selling, why didn't Niiyo.com, Jumia or Konga
employ them at their sales departments? As usual, some reckless wannabes fall
for them and end up paying so big. You have to be very careful with these ones
if you are a guy with loose boxers. They are always in need of investors. You
may end up investing in a business without returns whether on bed or in the
bank.
(9) The Sympathizers/mourners:
These set of girls are very dangerous people I wish I could
drag out of my computer screen and administer a professional beating to with
the hope they would turn a new leaf. These set of girls will never use Facebook
until a friend or a celebrity dies. Immediately they get a wind of bad news,
they get online to make posts like "R.I.P'', "Miss him" "So
sad" "Wish I could turn back the hands of time" "#Tears"
Since Nigerians are passionate about bad news to which they blow out of
proportion, a lot of people rush to her wall to find out who just died. They
upload pictures of their dead friends on their wall with a very sympathetic
caption to prompt views, likes and comment. For example, when Paul Walker died
a lot of Nigerians joined the mourning bandwagon as a way of feeling connected
and informed. Some had to check Google to know his identity while mourning.
(10) The facially-challenged:
This class is a very pitiful one. Most of the people in this
class always deny their membership like it is a secret cult. Some people don't
even know they belong to this class. These set of people hardly get attention
from guys on Facebook. Some guys target them specifically to take advantage of them;
they term them as easy preys. Such guys don't mind meeting them the same day
the communication was struck. They hardly take them to eateries or public
places. The meeting point is always their house to avoid public view. In fact
on most occasions, they take them to the bedroom straight. After this, the guy
either starts to extort money from her or probably blocks her on Facebook right
away.
In case you are in this category and you don't know, or probably
you know and you are deceiving yourself, there are three major ways you can
ascertain where you stand on the beauty scale and they are namely:
- You snap several pictures, you upload the few best or even
all but nobody could spare you a 'comment' or a 'like' on Facebook. The only
person that gave you attention on the pictures was your roommate or cousin or
maybe you get a comment like 'hmmm', 'just passing-by' 'who has a Nokia
charger?’. My sister, you are a member of this class.
- You snap pictures and tag all your friends to it. After
tagging like 30 friends, you see 2 likes and people quietly go there to remove
their names with some politely telling you through a private message never to
try such again. My lovely sister na still that class oh.
- You only have to get almost naked to attract picture likes
and comments. My only sister, that class ehn, na there oh. I want to tell you
that you are not alone. People like you marry so early every Saturdays because
of low expectations on a taste of suitors but the beautiful ones will wait till
they are above thirty years in search of Dangote's son who is still enjoying
with some Latino girls on some lonely Islands across the world.
This list was compiled for the purpose of humour. This blog
has been too serious of late and I felt like spicing up the feeling here and
serving everybody with different areas of interests. Please don't take my words
too personal. Just laugh it off. I remain your Village Town Crier with an M.sc.
It’s not that I don't want to work in the corporate circle or at the Government
House and probably be entitled to the N8.64 billion wardrobe allowance but I
just have a strong passion for my town-crying career. Do you really believe
that? Lol.
Thanks so much reader.
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