Diary of an Ibadan Hustler in Lagos (EPISODE 3)

This particular episode is based on my short stay at Ebute Metta. My major motivations about coming to Lagos always centre on a job hunt either in the field of entertainment or something in a professional field. I don't take Lagos as the ideal place to catch fun. Well probably that is my own perception. It is cool if you have an opposing view. Looking at Ebute Metta from the outside, you will hastily assume that it is an abode of poor people. A close study of the crowded and dirty street will shock the observer that Ebute Metta is highly crowded with top high-earning professionals living poor. The street looks very awful from the outside; you will notice the poor drainage system with gutters than can force the truth out of any A-list terrorist if it is employed as a tactic to torture him. This has facilitated the fast growth of mosquitoes with flies doing big like workers in an oil company. The street has tall buildings with a poor town planning structure. They are built with a close proximity with each other. This made the issue of fresh and healthy air a rare commodity.

Well, I love the passion of the Ebute people. They never cared about the deplorable state of the street so far their rooms were conducive. Businesses were heavily transacted across the oozing gutters. The irony of it is that there could be a futuristic detrimental effect on the health of any individual consistently exposed to it. Food joints opened there at nights and made massive sales. People returning from work bought food materials massively and I started feeling I was an alien for seeing the problem as an anomaly.

 Every night was like a party without a DJ. You will see clusters of young men hanging around several corners to hold private talks. Apologies to them but I seem them as ready-made materials for political violence. One of the features that got my fantasy was the presence of hot ladies. Ebute Metta has these kinds of ladies in different shapes. Although they might not have the cutest of faces but the ''FUTURE'' and the "PAST" could 'Guarantee more Trust than that famous Bank'. They knew what they carried and how to flaunt it. A times I wonder how those hug assets are neatly packaged in those skin tight wears. A close look at them will give you the wrong impression that the assets are too and could fall off if not grab. If you have that stupid idea in your head, before you go about that action, kindly secure a hospital bed at the intensive care unit of a reputable hospital because you will certainly need them for survival after the aftermath of your action.

I never had the guts to approach any girl walking alone on that street although I have strategically followed some in the past in a failed bid to accost her. My greatest fear is approaching a lady who is in a serious relationship with a top 'Chelsea fan' on the street or explicitly a high-ranking hoodlum with strong political ties. My sincere apologies to Chelsea fans, it is widely believed you guys are lousy but I am not sure I subscribe to that, maybe though lol.

Now the next scene of this episode moves to my friend's house at Lagos Street. It was a two-storey building with six flats. Almost all were occupied by companies and small scale business owners. The rent per year goes for more than half a million but you will never believe it. He had to share with his friends who were in separate rooms at his apartment. The shocking thing about the house is that nobody is a stranger. Everyone is welcomed. Even if you see a native Doctor at the staircase, you have no right to question him because he could be there for business. That building gave me the experience of seeing a church within a residential building. This is very strange in Ibadan but it’s allowed in Lagos due to space scarcity and management issues.

On one of my nights, it was I was in a club house. I don't club on a normal day but some agents in Ebute Metta came in to make the night fun for me. These were guitarists. You only hear them clearly when they play beside your ears. They play for free initially but shortly they collect a sample of your blood like it is for a medical blood screening purpose. These agents are nothing but mosquitoes. They played for me all through the night, there were so visible in the air. They were so big that they could abduct a day old baby if I am not exaggerating. The burning coil couldn't top them. Even the breeze from the fan only created a well-ventilated playground for them. Since there was no insecticide, I decided to take on them physically. I wasn't thinking straight at all. I was so tired and needed my rest. It was that same night that the church downstairs were organizing a prayer vigil. The show was indeed mixed with an external influence. The more I killed, the more they re-incarnated like the 'Abiku' written about my Professor Wole Soyinka. When my hands started failing me, I picked up a new broom and swung it at them. It didn't help matters. It began to dawn on me that it was a planned work. Probably some Benin witches turned into multiple mosquitoes to harass me.

Dear reader, it hurts me to tell you I stayed awake all through the night looking through the window. The sight of the tall and awful building with divergent lights in Ebute made an ugly sight. Some days later, I was heavily hit by malaria. Just imagine mosquitoes had the ability to transmit Hiv/Aids by merely sucking human blood, Ebute Metta would have posed a great danger to the world as a whole.